"Consider it joy brothers and sisters whenever you face trials of many kinds" James 1:2

"Our sufferings are God's gentle caresses, beckoning us to come back to him, to admit we are not in control of our lives, but he is in control and can be trusted with our lives completely."  Mother Theresa

I love the Triduum (Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Holy Saturday) and how it mirrors our own lives. The pain, abandonment, waiting, confusion, fear.  These emotions, and many more, that the disciples (and Jesus) experienced, are not foreign to us in life's situations.  This year, I feel like I've witnessed Christ's passion with new eyes...and with an increased depth to feel each emotion.  I've identified with Christ pleading with His Father in the Garden of Gethsemane to let this trial pass. My heart aches when I think about the bone deep, heart wrenching loneliness He must have felt when His Father was silent. So very silent.  I recognize the times I've denied Jesus, like Peter, when I speak of Luke's miraculous birth and beautiful life without giving Him all the credit.  I stand by apathetic, as Pilate did, when I don't seize opportunities to speak about God's goodness in the 31 days we had with Luke.

Taylor and I took some much needed time off during Easter week. It was wonderful to have time to read, pray and reflect.  I've felt a little like a stubborn, pouting teenager since Luke's death 4 months ago...giving God the silent treatment.  But our extraordinary God never gives up on us and pursues our hardening hearts in big and small ways.  I read CS Lewis' The Great Divorce in high school and recently bits and pieces had been coming back to me unsolicited.  After rereading it twice during our vacation, God has gently nudged some reminders into my heart.  Our ultimate goal is heaven and to help each other get to heaven.  Our primary purpose and identity is as children of God (not mothers, wives, etc). Luke was always God's son first (not mine) and He loves him even more than I do.  My anger and apathy are because MY will was not done - but rather His will. It's selfish of me to want to keep Luke here in pain, suffering. It doesn't mean it's wrong to be sad or that I don't miss Luke or wish I could see him grow up.  But I cannot love Luke more than I love God.  We need to learn to want God for His own sake not what He can do for us.  Although my prayers weren't answered with exactly the outcome I would have preferred, my prayers for healing were answered.  Luke is free from all his physical ailments.  

God knows and feels my hurt intimately - He watched his Son suffer and die...something no parent wants to do.  He is walking this painful road with me - even carrying me as needed (Footprints prayer anyone?). And I know there is a bigger plan.  Our God is good - so good!  Even in this pain...even if I'm angry...our God is good! And our God keeps his promises.  If there was another option for Luke, I'm sure He would have shown us that choice. But there wasn't. And Luke's life had purpose and meaning and good has come out of this suffering... and good will continue to come out of this.  This is hope - believing that God will fulfill His promises.  Hope is not an optimistic attitude or wishful thinking.  It is knowing that God is God and we are not - and He is writing a beautiful story with our lives.  A story that is far from over.  💙

"They say of some temporal suffering, "No future bliss can make up for it," not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory."  CS Lewis The Great Divorce  

"...no natural feelings are high or low, holy or unholy, in themselves.  They are all holy when God's hand is on the rein. They all go bad when they set up on their own and make themselves into false gods."  CS Lewis The Great Divorce 

"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, in the end, "Thy will be done."  All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell. No soul that seriously and constantly desires joy will evr miss it.  Those who seek find. To those who knock it is opened." CS Lewis The Great Divorce  

"Do not be dismayed by the brokenness of the world.  All things break.  And all things can be mended.  Not with time, but with intention.  So go.  Love intentionally, extravagantly, unconditionally.  The broken world waits in darkness for the light that is you."  L.R. Knots

"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her."  Luke 1:45